Stop.

I like change. I like being able to wipe the slate clean and start over. I do it with everything. If I'm doing a creative writing essay, and I'm half way through it, I'll think, 'no, this is terrible' and I'll tear it up and start over. Or I could be working on a piece of artwork, and think 'this could be so much better' and I'll ditch it and start again. I might have a blog, and get bored of it, so delete it and start a new one.

I am so ... right now.

I don't know.

My mind feels so empty, and yet so full at the same time. It's as if there's a million and one things whizzing around inside my head, crashing into one another, trying to escape the realms of my mind, but even so, I can't seem to pull anything out and type it onto this page.

I feel as if I don't care anymore. The other day, last night I think it was, I just thought 'right. less than two years left at high school, then i'm definitely leaving for a different sixth form college. which means i only have to spend less than two years with these people. i can't stand them anymore, but they don't need to know that. i can get by by myself. i don't need anyone else.'

But the thing is, I do need someone else. I need a friend. Someone to understand. To talk to. To listen to. To listen to me. Comfort me, tell me everything's going to be okay, that this is just a ohase and it'll pass. I want someone to love me. To truly love me, care about me. Because right now it feels like I have no one, and I'm trying to convince myself that that's okay.

But everything else I thought that day was perfectly reasonable. I have decided to leave school at the end of year 11 and apply to go to my brother's school's sixth form instead, for those next two years.

Anyway.

Now. Right now. What the fuck is the matter with me?

It's not that I want to feel this way. I often wonder why I have to be so.. so troubled. I want to be happy with my life, with myself. But I'm not. That's the way it is.