Miles.

Ok, so I didn't run away.

But I'm not ruling it out completely. I wouldn't ever rule anything out completely. The thing is, I have my good days and my bad days. Most 'good' days turn out to be bad days in the end anyway.

I do want to be free. I do wish I had the chance to start afresh somewhere. I wish I had something to cling onto. A reason to be happy.

Ok, now I just sound selfish.

Not Good Enough.

I woke up this morning with a new one of those crazy ideas. The thing is, I'm deadly serious. I want to run away.


Although I'm not sure you could actually call it that, as I'm not a little child. And it wouldn't be forever. God, no. I just want a week or two by myself, somewhere new, away from the life I have here. I want to be free. Just for a little while.

I'm excited at the idea of being some friendly place, far away from home, with no one familiar, the sun shining behind me and the warm breeze through my hair.

This life, makes me feel like I'm stuck. Like I have no other choice. I wouldn't choose to be here if I had the option. I feel like I can't breathe. Like I'm suffocating and desperate to break free but I'm too scared. I don't have the guts to do anything about it.

I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want to waste my childhood by being unhappy. Not that I have much of one to begin with.

I'm already planning it out in my head. I have enough pocket money - what I've saved up my whole life - and I would take a few spare clothes. I would travel light. I would maybe book a bed and breakfast for the whole time, or move around a bit from place to place. Where exactly would I go? I'm thinking somewhere with a beach or something close to that. Because the idea is to clear my head. Devon comes to mind. And if I go somewhere far away, there's less chance of anyone finding me.

Aint Nobody.

I hate being so grumpy and miserable. I can't help it. I don't enjoy putting the people around me in bad moods.

But they're the reason I'm in the mood in the first place.

I don't like being around people. I get self conscious and embarassed and intimidated. But also I don't feel like I have anything in common with them. I'm just not a 'social' person. I'm not outspoken and extroverted. I admit it. I'm quiet. I prefer to be by myself, and I don't like sharing the way I feel with anybody. Its just plain embarassing.

One of these days, I am going to e x p l o d e .

I came pretty close around the time I tried to cut myself. But somehow, nothing's really getting better. These feelings don't just go away. They were just being ignored.

It's so frustrating that I can't talk to anyone. Its not that I don't want to. I literally can't. I don't trust anyone. And even if I did, I wouldn't know what to say, because right now, I don't really know what's happening myself.

Unconvincing.

OK. Right. So. Hmm.

A few things I'd like to say, but I reckon I'll forget half, if not all of those, by the time it comes to telling you about them.

There aren't many people who know that much about me. About me. The way I am. The way I think and the problems I have. OK, there's no one. And I think that's a good thing. No one really wants to know - not that I'm aware of, anyway - and I think that's quite a good thing. No one knows about my secrets, or my demons, and so they can stay just that: secrets and demons. There isn't really anyone who cares about me enough to realise that I do have secrets, and I most certainly have demons. I think I'd be a waste of time anyhow. If I was the outside person, I wouldn't want to know about my issues.


So I'm glad I've established that. No one cares enough to want to know. Therefore it is safer and so much easier for me to go about my life without onlookers and nosy outsiders.

The last time I posted, I think I was rambling on about how after the first day back at school I felt more comfortable and my worries we fading away.

Well, the "novelty" of that has most certainly worn off. I say novelty because I have no idea how else to describe it. Novelty just puts it into that context. And it wore off about the next day. I think the reason I said I thought I was going to be okay was to try and convince myself. But I can't do that. I will always know deep down that its not entirely true.

Of course I feel better, but I'm so fucking confused. I think that feeling I had will never leave me. Its too strong, too attached to me. Like its becoming a part of me, or my personality. Sure, there are days I come close to forgetting all about it, but for it actually to disappear is different. It will take something or someone huge, and pretty special, to make it go away and to make me feel whole. Who's to say I'll ever truly get that?

Minutes Turn To Hours.

I am now officially 15, as of yesterday.

I remember the last time I posted on this thing. I was so confused, and absolutely terrified. But a few days later, I went back to school. It took so much effort for me to get out of bed that morning, to walk through the school doors. I burst out crying, but tried so hard to hold it in.


The thing is, I was fine. Being in school, around my friends, back in a routine, in a place I felt [reasonably] comfortable in, a place I recognised and was familiar with. Thats what got me through those days.

I think that because I had been out of school, with nothing on my mind - no work or lessons to stress about, no people around me - I was left to 'entertain' myself. I had been by myself, not really going out much, and .. I don't know. I broke down.

I think I knew it was coming though. I realise now, that it had been coming. It was always going to happen, because I'd held it all in for so long, and it built up until it was too much to take. And I think the fact that it was a new year and all, that made it a lot worse - that was what made me crack.

I am not back to normal. There never was a 'normal'. But I'm feeling better. And I realise who it is I love, who it is I want around me, even if they're not perfect. Nothing ever is.

Crazy.

Something happened to me last night. But I just can't put it into words.

I cried myself to sleep.

Well, I was just lying there, and I thought I'd listen to some music on my mp3 player. I did. I love listening to music, there are some pretty amazing artists out there. Listening to some of my favorite songs made feel really happy. I was lay there smiling, sometimes even bopping to the music, god help me.

But then I decided I'd had enough, switched it off and tried to go to sleep. Only I couldn't sleep. It is at night, just as I am trying to go to sleep, that I think the most. I have nothing to do, nothing really to occupy my mind, and so my brain roams free.

But these past few days, I seem to end up thinking about things like pain, depression, hurt, hurting myself. At one point last night I actually wanted to get up out of bed and cut myself - the only reason I didn't do so was because I have nothing in my bedroom to do it with. I felt so lost. There were so many things crowding up my mind, I was fit to explode.

But then somehow I wound up thinking about my family, and how I'd hate to lose them. Something about that made me crack. I started crying when it came to picturing my little brother. I got up and searched for a little toy lion he had given me for a birthday once, and I held it close to me for the rest of the night. I felt like a little kid. But as I clutched it tight, I cried even more. I wanted someone to hold me right then, like I've never wanted anything else before.

And now, the morning after, I feel different. As if nothing matters to me. I sort of know what's important to me now. I know who I love, and who I couldn't care less about. I know a little about myself that I didn't know 24 hours ago.

Stop.

I like change. I like being able to wipe the slate clean and start over. I do it with everything. If I'm doing a creative writing essay, and I'm half way through it, I'll think, 'no, this is terrible' and I'll tear it up and start over. Or I could be working on a piece of artwork, and think 'this could be so much better' and I'll ditch it and start again. I might have a blog, and get bored of it, so delete it and start a new one.

I am so ... right now.

I don't know.

My mind feels so empty, and yet so full at the same time. It's as if there's a million and one things whizzing around inside my head, crashing into one another, trying to escape the realms of my mind, but even so, I can't seem to pull anything out and type it onto this page.

I feel as if I don't care anymore. The other day, last night I think it was, I just thought 'right. less than two years left at high school, then i'm definitely leaving for a different sixth form college. which means i only have to spend less than two years with these people. i can't stand them anymore, but they don't need to know that. i can get by by myself. i don't need anyone else.'

But the thing is, I do need someone else. I need a friend. Someone to understand. To talk to. To listen to. To listen to me. Comfort me, tell me everything's going to be okay, that this is just a ohase and it'll pass. I want someone to love me. To truly love me, care about me. Because right now it feels like I have no one, and I'm trying to convince myself that that's okay.

But everything else I thought that day was perfectly reasonable. I have decided to leave school at the end of year 11 and apply to go to my brother's school's sixth form instead, for those next two years.

Anyway.

Now. Right now. What the fuck is the matter with me?

It's not that I want to feel this way. I often wonder why I have to be so.. so troubled. I want to be happy with my life, with myself. But I'm not. That's the way it is.